今天 (28.12.2011)

沉默是我最後溫柔 是因爲我太愛你

你說你生日那天是故意安排和我小敘。Ooooor。

然後我們又沒有相見。真的受傷了。

那天

那天，我們開了一個小P。是時間巧合，是心意相通，是情意綿綿，在大雨中我趕來了你面前，和你坐著談天。然後我提議到外面走走，在雨中你摟著我，神來之筆我帶你走到附近酒店內的小咖啡廳，偷偷地簡單為你拿來蛋糕，開個小P。我不知道你是開心還是怎樣，我的感覺是甜蜜的。

是快樂的，但沒有從前那麼高興了。

我其實很怕，那種愛你的感覺會消失。

我哪天沒太關心 甚至讓你空等 不知怎去再復尋

珍惜眼前人（我）.... 呀

但願人長久 千里共嬋娟

也一直喜歡着 Dexter

You're around. And I want to say hi... But I didn't. It is not that I don't know how to start, what worries me is how things go.. even in a texting messaging environment.

好想你。

好大膽.

其實我驚咩? 我唔知.

不用再期待你的訊息。甜蜜的日子。哀。悼。

忽然間，對你的電話號碼感到很陌生。像一個沒有意義、沒有關係的數字。

哀。悼。

你真係好成功。再見了。

YS

那天晚上，你受那極受歡迎的劇集影響，叫我YS。是甜密，永遠難忘。

真係。

金枝慾孽原來係一個愛情故事。

可不可与你放胆嬉戏 忘掉日与夜哪些限期

22.7.2011 :) sweet

有一次即時約來約去的對話中，我有感而發，話可能有一段日子我們也不會再相見了。 I mean it. 有一段時間我真的這麼想。別人也在放手了，你還死扯什麼？這些年來，我的日子縱然是白過，有一點很基本的我還是有笨拙地學懂的，gracefully. 有好幾次，我也直奔回家去，沒有像以往般等待，不積極，不爭取。算了，我輸了。就這樣下去，一個月不見，兩個月不見，三個月，半年，日子常常過得比我們想像中快，如是者我們真的可能到你生日也不會見，可能今年餘下的日子都不會見。然後哪些普天同慶的大日子，然後哪個你會無聲無息裝作沒什麼的我的日子，然後月復月，年復年。我真的想走，本來不要告訴你，但後來想想也不必哪麼dramatic吧，所以跟你說我有事要告訴你。然後在哪段孤獨的日子，我發現，告訴你不告訴你又有什麼分別？反正已經見不到了，我在哪裡又有什麼分別？所以我沒說，你也沒問。上星期你忽然說你有記著，唷，原來是這樣。

掛住你。

我已經唔想見你啦.唔係唔想,係有D賭氣.同埋好怕.我諗我都唔會好開心咁見你.唉.

應承過唔嬲,真係好難.

（不過我唔想呀。有得揀都想在一起。）

可能，在我未知的情況下，我已經漸漸地進入了刪除程式。很快，我可能會像從前般，再次成功地對你沒什麼感覺。而這次，我竟然沒有不捨。

我又哭起上來.我好想狠狠地跟你說,我們這生也不要相見了.

我唔鍾意你lu,只有我關心你,你都唔關心我嘅...

我(竟然)開始有D病,psychocomatic illness? 我唔知.不過我give up我自己. Partially. 你一定會話我唔應該,其他事情都比你重要.Whatever you say.

多少歡樂常回味　天空中充滿希冀
祈求再遇上　不放棄不逃避

你知唔知,我好懷念可以同你講miss you的日子.

Miss you.

我感到,今次我可能已經ready, ready to exit.

我已經開始消失. 應該唔係一個tactic,係因為我真係無力再繼續下去.我會開始plan點樣可以令我exit得成功D,絕D. Again我唔會祝福你,同一個你根本唔想同佢一齊渡過晚上的人過一生,有什麼藉得祝福.

唔應該。。。

我，应该大胆一点，拉著你的手臂吗？

忽然很想念你。一想到我们的未来，很哀伤。我一直都罕有地在用self efficacy，到底也会有信心不够的一刻。我很傻，一直在祷告，一直在做好事，希望命运能给我一个机会。

刚才去看月历，看到哪一个月的空档，哪本来对於我来说是别具意义的一个月。然而你消失了，还有哪各式各样淄人的事情，我想，它会是我本年最黑暗的日子，不自觉地，眼泪又再流下来。

你说希望以后可以带给我快乐。我嘴角在笑，心不敢相信。你说想给我买一份礼物，我眼在笑，心领便可，听过了就好了，我没有期望。

想到了，该是有点心淡。我想我还是很介意哪被冷落的曰子。

終於把禮物送出了.沒有買的時候的喜悅.可能,只是想了結一件事.本來說過就把它留下來送給將來的那位.但是星期二那天不經意地說了,你又說吃飯時可帶給你,又碰巧剛才有空回來拿,所以今天還是把它帶了給你.

希望你喜歡.可惜的是,我已沒有了買的時候的喜悅.

然後我又忍不住來見你,只因那晚我有點醉.

一个月

整整一个月。你好像有点不同，头发长了？你还是轻松愉快的，我只能苦笑。

我，想不想来见你？我真的不知。我是想你，但很怕很怕。可能有一点赌气，但还是害怕被伤害比较多。

回来后我又哭了起来。很想好好地过曰子，很想走出你的影子，很想舍得放弃你。很想说我们永不再见。

安静了

沉默是我最後溫柔　是因爲我太愛你

我感觉到，我有进步。在一步一步的退，就算不是退，起码没有再掉下去。要忘掉你，我很心痛，很苦，但我开始有一点点信心了。我想，我能做到的。

:)

  范曉萱~ 氧氣
氧氣[oxygen] - 1998 cd Darling
5 min -
http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D_orYpmiX1CY

不是不心痛的.一陣一陣,就好像孕婦陣痛一樣. 你說我不應該因你這樣,我說我知,但我沒辦法.

還好我沒有在這昏亂的時候讓自己太過軟弱,太過放縱,不然會令自己更後悔.其實我沒有阻止自己,只是,我的心不想這樣,因為,我很清楚在心頭那裡我還有那個人讓我放不下,我還未能讓別人走來.

:( 我唔想放棄呀...

你爱吃的东西，你说可以给你一点慰藉的comfort food, 明天我也要买来吃。没人宠我我宠自己。

祝福

郭羡妮在微博写道：“幸福我等了很久，在我渐把祈盼它到来的念头忘记时，这个傻瓜出现了！他说：‘我愿意这辈子都给你欺负！’听着，泪水就涌出来了，这是我们的故事。”

完左就係完左.無論今日明日後日你再說什麼都,都唔會改變.

完啦

好啦好啦，完啦完啦。多谢你的狠心，终于什么都完了。

明天太阳升起，明天醒来时，我会做一个更快乐的我。决定了。

激死人

又好開心lu. 我唔知你諗咩但係我好開心. 其實,我最希望你開心.

算啦，我真糸真糸唔会再理你啦。应该都唔会见lu。我开始计，not a good sign.

Wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year.

再见。

本来

其实本来，我是会提议/买来东西给你吃的。但是现在，这样的境况，还有这样的心情，我真的不能了。不想被拒绝，很怕被拒绝。我想，我真的不会再说想你了。抑郁满腔，很苦。

我真的想，我不会得到幸福了。真狠心。

Thank you, W, my silver lining

I just want to say, thanks W, you are my silver lining. You certainly are not aware of anything, especially my sadness and what has happened to me like 18 hours ago, but your presence just made me feel less upset. Thanks. Wish you very best in your coming challenges.

我又来了。哪些讨厌的庸人自扰，只要一点点，多一点点或少一点点，都能刺激我的神经，使我落下泪来。

我要站起来，我要自强不息。

烦恼是自找的。我听到，你的声音是轻快的，我是替你开心的。但同时，我呢？你心情好的时候，我在哪里？

兄说女孩都是比较mature的，我信。

我只有卑微的愿望，想和你相拥著，一起看电视，一起听音乐。

很想知道，有没有一刻，你也有相同的心愿?

其实我什么都不是

然后你有一点事，你来找我，我来安慰。你说我身份特别，其实我什么都不是。

看电影时

看完电影回来。看的时候很想哭，回来也哭了一点。不关剧情，什么时候稍微的碰一下，我的泪便会夺眶而出。做运动时，上洗手间时，工作时，一个人坐车时，天暗时，看电影时，我只是在强忍著泪水，一有机会便释放一下。没有人知的事。

迷你

在每个不同的场口，我也会想像，如果你在，你会有什么反应。我体会到，爱上一个人，不是认同不认同对方对事情的看法，哪不重要。重要的，是眼中已充满了对方，他作什么，我也是哪么欢喜。

竟然，我不知不觉地开始了这个坏习惯，竟在这时。

本來

本來,我是想在你特別的日子,和你好好慶祝,做一點特別的事或什麼的. 這麼多年,膽少的我終於可以稍為名正言順地和你拉近一點,很久以前我已在想到時應該怎樣才好呢. 蛋糕也差不多選好,禮物還在二選一,怕那份較為昂貴的禮物會給你壓力. 也在想去什麼地方會比較特別而又自然,想了很多很多,也想得很開心. 我是很有心思的人,也願意為深愛的人付出. 只是,有時候,我還是很粗心大意,讓一些事情發生了. 好蠢好蠢. 我只能祝你快樂, for whatever you did.

我又见到你啦。你话开心见到我，我最想糸揽住你身贴身坐糸沙发睇电视或者上网。

So I saw you. I want to hug you when i knew what has happened to you. That's what I suspect too. Sorry for not able to be with you when you need comfort.

我以後咩都唔信

"Your luckiest day of the month - and possibly of the year - will be when Jupiter (luck) combines forces with Uranus (surprise) on September 18. This is a day when even the most extreme wishes can come true!"

I only have a very humble wish that day and it blasted. Isn't it too ironic?

唔见你

又拒绝见你。哈哈好成功。明明是渴望见你的，明明是有点空闲的，思前想后，我就是不要见你lu，不必了。是有点愎仇的意味，还有的是，你每次哪句「我现在有点空闲，要找事做」的话，我很介意。哦，就等你真想见我时，才找我吧。我其实不是没事做的，但，我愿意为我喜欢的哪个人，放下手头的工作，跑出来与他见个面，聊个天。四十五分钟也好，四小时也好，晚上自己要偷偷的开夜车也好，也都甘之如饴，就像我之前大胆地为你skip dish一样。我是愿意的，如果你真的想看我的话。我在等。

又一次

又一次重重的一击，真的在试我的底线。之前一晚还在准备还在甜思思想像明天见面的情境，真的好蠢。为什么冒险是这么痛苦？我已经好小心好小心了。一巴一巴掌之后，是时候死心退下了。对不起的是我旁边的人，很对不起，我很自私。

或许两人只是挑花树下的邂逅，问一声：原来你也在这里？

就各走各路。

I cried badly. I miss you badly.

Episode two & three

Two

On thursday, i gave up the opportunity of seeing you. This never happened before. Because? Because i don't want to see you. Because? Because i want to keep away from you. Because i want to punish you. Because i sometimes need to believe. Because i give up. Because i'm scared.

I didn't see you eventually. It was a good opportunity but i let it go. I don't feel bad. I think, after all it might be a right thing to do.



Three

On Friday, i wanted to say "i really like to talk to you." just like what you said before. I like it. Don't know why. You are not particularly fun or humorous, and not articulate too. Are you good looking? Maybe but not very very. I don't know why.

And then today, i'm so excited to hear the email arrival sound on my computer (just like the beep sound i received in early april after my lesson. It was you who made my day.) just now. I read it with a smile. Feels good. Your messages/ emails are always light. I like it. But i started my old bad habbit to read between the lines too much. I started to think, how come his response is like this? Did i spoil him? What kind of impressin did i give him? Oh my god. I begin thinking too much. I don't like this but i can't control. I have to stop myself.

Episode one

It has been more than a week since we talked. The week was painful. I nearly lost myself and tried to do something stupid (not killing myself). And today you find me. Very special feeling. I was not overly delighted when i saw the message. I wasn't quite sure and believe in when i saw. Weird. It is like, "ok, so he sent me a message". Definitely not delighted, not sad, can't be described as a neutral feeling. I would say, it is a feeling with a distance. I was cold. To me, it wasn't a good sign at all. I felt like, "what else can this be?" or, maybe more precise, i didn't welcome such a message from you because it may bring me something that i don't want to hear. My instinct unconsciously protected me by keeping a distance from it and not to respond enthusiastically.

In short, my heart is dead.

I was telling myself earlier today that i was picking up myself, bit by bit and pieces by pieces. I was trying hard to recover while i was still bleeding. I try hard. And although it is painful, i made some progress.

So i didn't see you finally. I wish i could. But i can't. My brain asked me not too and it won over my heart this time (because the heart is dead as mentioned). I really want to see you. And to your point, I might have everything but I don't have you.

Yes, what else can it be? :(

The end

I don't expect we end like this. Especially after the lovely night we had last week. You said you have something to tell me. You think i don't know what you want to say? You think i don't know what we should do? I just can't do it. I'm always timid. The best way to do, is to cut everything. No more connections. I've done it once a few years ago. Very successful. I can do it twice i'm sure. I'm doing it now, today, from now on.

Thanks for the days and favourite nights we spent together. Every time was such a pleasant experience and i was over the moon. I need to forget you now but i won't forget the only one i love in my life so far. I wish i would meet someone i love soon. Bye for now. See you when i'm recovered.


18 August 2010

可不可與你放膽嬉戲 忘掉日與夜那些限期 不管身邊幾多無聊道理

可不可與你放膽嬉戲
忘掉日與夜那些限期
不管身邊幾多無聊道理

手拖手與你演齣好戲
遊行直到夜晚多淒美
爭取這一次　走幾千百里

沿途留心　掌心的知覺也著緊
我認　我認　我愛得太過份
人群漸近　想改寫你我命運
任天塌下亦前行　哪怕你說我天真

＊憑我徹底的勇氣　愛是最大權利
不理場面不偉大　我共你始終同遊生死
還有哪一種結尾　花光一切在乎你
沒有想過太多　我只需要你

路到盡頭也置之不理
寧願為愛著你不捨棄
爭取多一次　我身邊有你

沿途祈禱　始終一天我會望到
你是　你是　我的所有態度
無從預告　多曲折每段路
路中幾多的勸告　我怕我會聽不到

憑我徹底的勇氣　愛是最大權利
不理場面不偉大　我共你始終同遊生死
還有哪一種結尾　花光一切別嫌棄
若已想過太多　我只知愛你

A Mid Summer Night's Dream

You said level 1 or 2? I said level 7... Because I still don't believe it... :)

愛.... 請問怎麼走

和你並肩同行　一起走過各種天氣　再冷我都不覺得委屈
但生命轉了彎　慌亂間我回頭看　卻失去你的蹤跡

不想一睡不醒　免得錯過你的消息
忍著痛　忍不住了我就深呼吸
你說過的永遠　說好要帶我去
心刮著風　下著雨　想著你　往前進

愛　請問怎麼走　我一個人　翻過山　越過海
只為你對我好過　這份愛前所未有
愛　為什麼不走　我也不懂　誰勸我　誰愛我
誰可以讓我解脫　你的吻像個溫柔的符咒

只想等你回頭　緊握我的雙手　想著你就能執著　不管多麼寂寞
我的苦　我的淚　我的理所當然　只要你說你懂　就足夠

我翻過山　越過海
只為你對我好過　這份愛前所未有

愛　為什麼不走　是誰勸我　誰愛我
誰可以讓我解脫　你的吻像個溫柔的符咒

Just a gentle whisper, told me that you'd gone
Leaving only memories, where did we go wrong?
I couldn't find the words then, so let me say them now
I'm still in love with you

Tell me that you love me, tell me that you care
Tell me that you need me, and I'll be there
I'll be there waiting you

I will always love you, I will always stay true
There's no one who loves you like I do
Come to me now
I will never leave you, I will stay here with you
Through the good and bad I will stand true
I'm in love with you

Living life without you is more than I can bear
Hold me close forever,I'll be there....I'll be there for you
I will always love you, I will always stay true
There's no one who loves you like I do
This I promise...

I will never leave you, I will stay here with you
Through the good and bad I will stand true
Hold me closer...Our love is forever, holding us together
Nothing in this world can stop us now
Love has found, love has found a way

I'm in love, I'm in love
Yes, I'm in love, so in love
I'm in love with you

~The end~

22 July 2010

So tonight I saw you. You know what? I was very annoyed the whole week/ weeks. And of course today. I was so frustrated that I wanted shopping... spend money... watch, cosmetic and XXX. Even today I walked the whole afternoon because I was so restless that I couldn't sit down and do my work... So I saw you tonight. I must say, I wasn't THAT happy as before, not as that I should be. I want to cry more in fact. But I'm so glad to see you man. Originally I want to say no, because I want to keep myself away from you. I need to start my exit plan. But I wasn't able to do it. From the moment I got your text, I can feel that I'm more relaxed and happy. I'm glad I saw you.

Another missing night without you....

So when I'm crying hard, you shoot me an email. I didn't know, not until very late. A bitter smile. Why it is like this every single time?

I miss you man....

I cried. Again. Because I'm stupid. Because I have expectation. Because I overestimated myself.

Are you sick, honey?

I just cried. Because... I told a friend today I'm so frustrated. He asked why and I said because I feel empty inside. He asked why empty. I said, probably because I've done too much evil things recently. I'm so frustrated and fragile, man. I'd cry nonstop if anyone gives me a hug now.

得不了當然忘不了

我會化做螢火蟲 我會當你是彩虹

I think I was hurt. Not by you but by myself... what a poor silly girl...

Take me to far away way to your secret place.... 用最孤獨的心 換最溫柔的愛

龚柯允-KAREN KONG《In Love Again》
作词(Song Lyrics Written By) : Choi Sung Woo,Yoo Yoo Jin
作曲(Music Composed By) : 侧田(Justin Lo)

When you smile My life becomes a ray of light
Sing me a lullaby sleep at midnight
I'll be hypotizes when looked into your eyes
turn off the room light Let's spend the night

Take me to far away way to your secret place
Take my tears my fears
Take all my pain For which I'll repay someday
With a kiss and say
Can't believe that I'm in LOVE
In LOVE again ...

When the stars don't shine
and when the birds don't fly
and when the flowers cry
and when the rain runs dry
When the violet's red and when the rose turn blue
Baby I'm still in LOVE with you

ooh..oh..oo.. Take me to far away
way to your secret place
Take my tears my fears
Take all my pain For which I'll repay someday
With a kiss and say
Can't believe that I'm in LOVE
In LOVE again .. yeah yeah yeahh..

oh..oh...oh.. yeah.. yeah.. a..yeah .... oh.oh.. ohhh ...

Take me to far away
way to your secret place
Take my tears my fears
Take all my pain For which I'll repay someday
With a kiss and say
Can't believe that I'm in love
In love again .....
woo.. wooo.....

我看見你了. 原來你發生了那麼多的事情. 我在想, 如果那一刻, 可以來看看你, 照料你, 那多好. 又如果, 在那事情發生後到現在的一段時間裡, 我們能夠通通電, 互道一些近況, 那又多好.

你說有關家的一切一切, 我是那麼的羨慕. 你說了很多不同的 situation 後, 我馬上在想, 如果是我, 我又會怎樣呢? 我羨慕, 我期待是那家的一份子.

Nearly two weeks la. Time flies. Don't know what's going on. Why are you so coold to me?

"我唔甘心, 但我會認命."

-- 野田惠

It's been a week. What's going on? Am disappointed. I won't say I get hurt. Don't think the wound has ever recovered. It's been bleeding since the beginning. What happened? I told myself, things were over. Sadly.

It has been four full days that we didn't contact each other... don't know how's thing going to turn out... can't see anything out there...

We have some very very happy moments together. I like them. I'm sure you enjoyed them too. I'm waiting your hug, man.

You're Part Diva

You know that a girl's gotta work it to get her way in the world. And while you aren't about to throw a tantrum at every turn... You do amp up the drama when you know you need it. You mix charm, honesty, and kindness to get ahead.

Are You a Diva?

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

You Are Fall Flowers

Beautiful yet often forgotten.

What Part of Fall Are You?

Blogthings: Our Quizzes Weren't Written By Bored 12 Year Olds

I've deleted your number. Deleted and re-added. Deleted and re-added. How silly I am. I start feeling like I'm a toy. A toy to play when you are bored. I don't get angry. Because I know you are not conscious about this. You are lucky that I have grown up. I don't know what to do but I sort of thinking to react passively. I think I've convinced myself not to do anything proactive. Afterall I need to protect myself. I am on my own.

復刻回憶

So we met more frequent now. I enjoyed our dates very much. And I know you enjoyed too. I don't know where we're going. Don't think you have any idea too.

I'm trying.

Yes I'm trying hard. Please support me. I need encouragement.

李嘉欣提到自己試過 5年單身，但不覺得有老公是一生成就，她說：「好多女人都希望有人可以 complete your life，但其實冇人可以，除咗你自己。有啲嘢你逼自己去追求，反而會離你越嚟越遠，譬如話感情、男人，我當時就覺得我係豁出去，我可以畀自己想要嘅生活，點解我要崩潰？」