It has been more than a week since we talked. The week was painful. I nearly lost myself and tried to do something stupid (not killing myself). And today you find me. Very special feeling. I was not overly delighted when i saw the message. I wasn't quite sure and believe in when i saw. Weird. It is like, "ok, so he sent me a message". Definitely not delighted, not sad, can't be described as a neutral feeling. I would say, it is a feeling with a distance. I was cold. To me, it wasn't a good sign at all. I felt like, "what else can this be?" or, maybe more precise, i didn't welcome such a message from you because it may bring me something that i don't want to hear. My instinct unconsciously protected me by keeping a distance from it and not to respond enthusiastically.
In short, my heart is dead.
I was telling myself earlier today that i was picking up myself, bit by bit and pieces by pieces. I was trying hard to recover while i was still bleeding. I try hard. And although it is painful, i made some progress.
So i didn't see you finally. I wish i could. But i can't. My brain asked me not too and it won over my heart this time (because the heart is dead as mentioned). I really want to see you. And to your point, I might have everything but I don't have you.
Yes, what else can it be? :(
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