Episode two & three

Two

On thursday, i gave up the opportunity of seeing you. This never happened before. Because? Because i don't want to see you. Because? Because i want to keep away from you. Because i want to punish you. Because i sometimes need to believe. Because i give up. Because i'm scared.

I didn't see you eventually. It was a good opportunity but i let it go. I don't feel bad. I think, after all it might be a right thing to do.



Three

On Friday, i wanted to say "i really like to talk to you." just like what you said before. I like it. Don't know why. You are not particularly fun or humorous, and not articulate too. Are you good looking? Maybe but not very very. I don't know why.

And then today, i'm so excited to hear the email arrival sound on my computer (just like the beep sound i received in early april after my lesson. It was you who made my day.) just now. I read it with a smile. Feels good. Your messages/ emails are always light. I like it. But i started my old bad habbit to read between the lines too much. I started to think, how come his response is like this? Did i spoil him? What kind of impressin did i give him? Oh my god. I begin thinking too much. I don't like this but i can't control. I have to stop myself.

Episode one

It has been more than a week since we talked. The week was painful. I nearly lost myself and tried to do something stupid (not killing myself). And today you find me. Very special feeling. I was not overly delighted when i saw the message. I wasn't quite sure and believe in when i saw. Weird. It is like, "ok, so he sent me a message". Definitely not delighted, not sad, can't be described as a neutral feeling. I would say, it is a feeling with a distance. I was cold. To me, it wasn't a good sign at all. I felt like, "what else can this be?" or, maybe more precise, i didn't welcome such a message from you because it may bring me something that i don't want to hear. My instinct unconsciously protected me by keeping a distance from it and not to respond enthusiastically.

In short, my heart is dead.

I was telling myself earlier today that i was picking up myself, bit by bit and pieces by pieces. I was trying hard to recover while i was still bleeding. I try hard. And although it is painful, i made some progress.

So i didn't see you finally. I wish i could. But i can't. My brain asked me not too and it won over my heart this time (because the heart is dead as mentioned). I really want to see you. And to your point, I might have everything but I don't have you.

Yes, what else can it be? :(

The end

I don't expect we end like this. Especially after the lovely night we had last week. You said you have something to tell me. You think i don't know what you want to say? You think i don't know what we should do? I just can't do it. I'm always timid. The best way to do, is to cut everything. No more connections. I've done it once a few years ago. Very successful. I can do it twice i'm sure. I'm doing it now, today, from now on.

Thanks for the days and favourite nights we spent together. Every time was such a pleasant experience and i was over the moon. I need to forget you now but i won't forget the only one i love in my life so far. I wish i would meet someone i love soon. Bye for now. See you when i'm recovered.


18 August 2010

可不可與你放膽嬉戲 忘掉日與夜那些限期 不管身邊幾多無聊道理

可不可與你放膽嬉戲
忘掉日與夜那些限期
不管身邊幾多無聊道理

手拖手與你演齣好戲
遊行直到夜晚多淒美
爭取這一次　走幾千百里

沿途留心　掌心的知覺也著緊
我認　我認　我愛得太過份
人群漸近　想改寫你我命運
任天塌下亦前行　哪怕你說我天真

＊憑我徹底的勇氣　愛是最大權利
不理場面不偉大　我共你始終同遊生死
還有哪一種結尾　花光一切在乎你
沒有想過太多　我只需要你

路到盡頭也置之不理
寧願為愛著你不捨棄
爭取多一次　我身邊有你

沿途祈禱　始終一天我會望到
你是　你是　我的所有態度
無從預告　多曲折每段路
路中幾多的勸告　我怕我會聽不到

憑我徹底的勇氣　愛是最大權利
不理場面不偉大　我共你始終同遊生死
還有哪一種結尾　花光一切別嫌棄
若已想過太多　我只知愛你

A Mid Summer Night's Dream

You said level 1 or 2? I said level 7... Because I still don't believe it... :)