看电影时

看完电影回来。看的时候很想哭，回来也哭了一点。不关剧情，什么时候稍微的碰一下，我的泪便会夺眶而出。做运动时，上洗手间时，工作时，一个人坐车时，天暗时，看电影时，我只是在强忍著泪水，一有机会便释放一下。没有人知的事。

迷你

在每个不同的场口，我也会想像，如果你在，你会有什么反应。我体会到，爱上一个人，不是认同不认同对方对事情的看法，哪不重要。重要的，是眼中已充满了对方，他作什么，我也是哪么欢喜。

竟然，我不知不觉地开始了这个坏习惯，竟在这时。

本來

本來,我是想在你特別的日子,和你好好慶祝,做一點特別的事或什麼的. 這麼多年,膽少的我終於可以稍為名正言順地和你拉近一點,很久以前我已在想到時應該怎樣才好呢. 蛋糕也差不多選好,禮物還在二選一,怕那份較為昂貴的禮物會給你壓力. 也在想去什麼地方會比較特別而又自然,想了很多很多,也想得很開心. 我是很有心思的人,也願意為深愛的人付出. 只是,有時候,我還是很粗心大意,讓一些事情發生了. 好蠢好蠢. 我只能祝你快樂, for whatever you did.

我又见到你啦。你话开心见到我，我最想糸揽住你身贴身坐糸沙发睇电视或者上网。

So I saw you. I want to hug you when i knew what has happened to you. That's what I suspect too. Sorry for not able to be with you when you need comfort.

我以後咩都唔信

"Your luckiest day of the month - and possibly of the year - will be when Jupiter (luck) combines forces with Uranus (surprise) on September 18. This is a day when even the most extreme wishes can come true!"

I only have a very humble wish that day and it blasted. Isn't it too ironic?

唔见你

又拒绝见你。哈哈好成功。明明是渴望见你的，明明是有点空闲的，思前想后，我就是不要见你lu，不必了。是有点愎仇的意味，还有的是，你每次哪句「我现在有点空闲，要找事做」的话，我很介意。哦，就等你真想见我时，才找我吧。我其实不是没事做的，但，我愿意为我喜欢的哪个人，放下手头的工作，跑出来与他见个面，聊个天。四十五分钟也好，四小时也好，晚上自己要偷偷的开夜车也好，也都甘之如饴，就像我之前大胆地为你skip dish一样。我是愿意的，如果你真的想看我的话。我在等。

又一次

又一次重重的一击，真的在试我的底线。之前一晚还在准备还在甜思思想像明天见面的情境，真的好蠢。为什么冒险是这么痛苦？我已经好小心好小心了。一巴一巴掌之后，是时候死心退下了。对不起的是我旁边的人，很对不起，我很自私。

或许两人只是挑花树下的邂逅，问一声：原来你也在这里？

就各走各路。

I cried badly. I miss you badly.

Episode two & three

Two

On thursday, i gave up the opportunity of seeing you. This never happened before. Because? Because i don't want to see you. Because? Because i want to keep away from you. Because i want to punish you. Because i sometimes need to believe. Because i give up. Because i'm scared.

I didn't see you eventually. It was a good opportunity but i let it go. I don't feel bad. I think, after all it might be a right thing to do.



Three

On Friday, i wanted to say "i really like to talk to you." just like what you said before. I like it. Don't know why. You are not particularly fun or humorous, and not articulate too. Are you good looking? Maybe but not very very. I don't know why.

And then today, i'm so excited to hear the email arrival sound on my computer (just like the beep sound i received in early april after my lesson. It was you who made my day.) just now. I read it with a smile. Feels good. Your messages/ emails are always light. I like it. But i started my old bad habbit to read between the lines too much. I started to think, how come his response is like this? Did i spoil him? What kind of impressin did i give him? Oh my god. I begin thinking too much. I don't like this but i can't control. I have to stop myself.

Episode one

It has been more than a week since we talked. The week was painful. I nearly lost myself and tried to do something stupid (not killing myself). And today you find me. Very special feeling. I was not overly delighted when i saw the message. I wasn't quite sure and believe in when i saw. Weird. It is like, "ok, so he sent me a message". Definitely not delighted, not sad, can't be described as a neutral feeling. I would say, it is a feeling with a distance. I was cold. To me, it wasn't a good sign at all. I felt like, "what else can this be?" or, maybe more precise, i didn't welcome such a message from you because it may bring me something that i don't want to hear. My instinct unconsciously protected me by keeping a distance from it and not to respond enthusiastically.

In short, my heart is dead.

I was telling myself earlier today that i was picking up myself, bit by bit and pieces by pieces. I was trying hard to recover while i was still bleeding. I try hard. And although it is painful, i made some progress.

So i didn't see you finally. I wish i could. But i can't. My brain asked me not too and it won over my heart this time (because the heart is dead as mentioned). I really want to see you. And to your point, I might have everything but I don't have you.

Yes, what else can it be? :(

The end

I don't expect we end like this. Especially after the lovely night we had last week. You said you have something to tell me. You think i don't know what you want to say? You think i don't know what we should do? I just can't do it. I'm always timid. The best way to do, is to cut everything. No more connections. I've done it once a few years ago. Very successful. I can do it twice i'm sure. I'm doing it now, today, from now on.

Thanks for the days and favourite nights we spent together. Every time was such a pleasant experience and i was over the moon. I need to forget you now but i won't forget the only one i love in my life so far. I wish i would meet someone i love soon. Bye for now. See you when i'm recovered.


18 August 2010

可不可與你放膽嬉戲 忘掉日與夜那些限期 不管身邊幾多無聊道理

可不可與你放膽嬉戲
忘掉日與夜那些限期
不管身邊幾多無聊道理

手拖手與你演齣好戲
遊行直到夜晚多淒美
爭取這一次　走幾千百里

沿途留心　掌心的知覺也著緊
我認　我認　我愛得太過份
人群漸近　想改寫你我命運
任天塌下亦前行　哪怕你說我天真

＊憑我徹底的勇氣　愛是最大權利
不理場面不偉大　我共你始終同遊生死
還有哪一種結尾　花光一切在乎你
沒有想過太多　我只需要你

路到盡頭也置之不理
寧願為愛著你不捨棄
爭取多一次　我身邊有你

沿途祈禱　始終一天我會望到
你是　你是　我的所有態度
無從預告　多曲折每段路
路中幾多的勸告　我怕我會聽不到

憑我徹底的勇氣　愛是最大權利
不理場面不偉大　我共你始終同遊生死
還有哪一種結尾　花光一切別嫌棄
若已想過太多　我只知愛你

A Mid Summer Night's Dream

You said level 1 or 2? I said level 7... Because I still don't believe it... :)

愛.... 請問怎麼走

和你並肩同行　一起走過各種天氣　再冷我都不覺得委屈
但生命轉了彎　慌亂間我回頭看　卻失去你的蹤跡

不想一睡不醒　免得錯過你的消息
忍著痛　忍不住了我就深呼吸
你說過的永遠　說好要帶我去
心刮著風　下著雨　想著你　往前進

愛　請問怎麼走　我一個人　翻過山　越過海
只為你對我好過　這份愛前所未有
愛　為什麼不走　我也不懂　誰勸我　誰愛我
誰可以讓我解脫　你的吻像個溫柔的符咒

只想等你回頭　緊握我的雙手　想著你就能執著　不管多麼寂寞
我的苦　我的淚　我的理所當然　只要你說你懂　就足夠

我翻過山　越過海
只為你對我好過　這份愛前所未有

愛　為什麼不走　是誰勸我　誰愛我
誰可以讓我解脫　你的吻像個溫柔的符咒

Just a gentle whisper, told me that you'd gone
Leaving only memories, where did we go wrong?
I couldn't find the words then, so let me say them now
I'm still in love with you

Tell me that you love me, tell me that you care
Tell me that you need me, and I'll be there
I'll be there waiting you

I will always love you, I will always stay true
There's no one who loves you like I do
Come to me now
I will never leave you, I will stay here with you
Through the good and bad I will stand true
I'm in love with you

Living life without you is more than I can bear
Hold me close forever,I'll be there....I'll be there for you
I will always love you, I will always stay true
There's no one who loves you like I do
This I promise...

I will never leave you, I will stay here with you
Through the good and bad I will stand true
Hold me closer...Our love is forever, holding us together
Nothing in this world can stop us now
Love has found, love has found a way

I'm in love, I'm in love
Yes, I'm in love, so in love
I'm in love with you

~The end~

22 July 2010

So tonight I saw you. You know what? I was very annoyed the whole week/ weeks. And of course today. I was so frustrated that I wanted shopping... spend money... watch, cosmetic and XXX. Even today I walked the whole afternoon because I was so restless that I couldn't sit down and do my work... So I saw you tonight. I must say, I wasn't THAT happy as before, not as that I should be. I want to cry more in fact. But I'm so glad to see you man. Originally I want to say no, because I want to keep myself away from you. I need to start my exit plan. But I wasn't able to do it. From the moment I got your text, I can feel that I'm more relaxed and happy. I'm glad I saw you.

Another missing night without you....